Humans

Humans are so predictable as am I.

When you have no control over a particular situation, you tend to fit your own conclusions. And what’s worse, your subsequent actions will be based on your own conclusions rather than what has actually happened. Which just makes everything wrong.

Yes, of course, there are sixth sense, intuition and the likes. But how often are they right, how often are they wrong. I really don’t know.

We just want somebody we can spend the rest of our life with. That everytime we find something enjoyable, something pleasant, we can turn around and share it with that person. And that makes the thing more enjoyable, because you have company to share it with.

rant

I’ve always felt that feelings are a person’s choice and hence he/she is responsible for them. For instance, let’s say you hate this person. Barring the fact that this person is hideously ugly or very annoying, let’s say the person is an average person, there is absolutely no reason why you should hate him over another average person and if you do, that’s your choice.

So in that sense, if in this period of time, Alan found another person more soothing, more comforting, that is something he choose to perceive as. Because I didn’t particularly do anything to make it annoying or unbearable for him and in fact, I am super nice to him if I may say. I give in to everything he asked of me, well most things and if he found another person more comforting, then that’s his choice. Not because it is true in the absolute way.

I just find it disheartening that one doesn’t have that much self-discipline. I mean look at me. I worshiped boy-watching but after I’ve been with Alan, I restricted myself from whatever. But he doesn’t. He think it’s normal to look at other girls, it’s normal to flirt with them, it’s normal to hang out with them even if you are attached. As in, like you have a gf but you still go out with lots of other girls and like your gf doesn’t exist. He thinks that it’s ok, it’s just a fact of life. Hello?? Just because other guys do it doesn’t make it ok. Why must you follow the rest of the population?

I mean he is all for having ideas and theories different from the normal stereotype of the population so why must he say that this is normal? I mean why be restricted by certain social norms and not by others? Please.. This so do not make sense.

A lot of people doing something does not justify that it is correct or wrong. Use your brains to think for yourself la.. Gosh I just don’t understand!! And I really want to understand. Why on earth, does a guy I love so much, think that it’s normal to do all these? Normal is different from say a compromise, or the gf turn a blind eye or what. Normal means he think it’s justified, it’s right. Sigh. I’m rambling. I just don’t get it.

If I can restrict myself, boys can’t? Lower self-discipline is it?

I’m not saying that he is doing these now, I’ve no fucking idea whether he is and I don’t really wanna know. I’m just ranting.

I just hate that one minute you can be so lovey-dovey and tell me how much I mean to you, how we are gonna get married, move out, etc..

The next minute, just cast me aside and treat me like a complete stranger.

Seriously, where is the fucking love?

Today was great really. In this period of sadness and all, I can’t asked for a better day like this.

Well I decided to meet up with Laureen and Christine and I’m so glad I did. It was nice to catch up with the two of them and Christine is just soooo nice.. Not saying Laureen is not haha.. But I’ve never really talked to Christine so yeah. We had dinner at Thai Express at Holland V but the service was just damn bad.

THen we went Wala Wala and the music was awesome although I got a lil dizzy from the vodka as usual.. I was totally relaxed and enjoying the music and company.. It was really good to know that there’s a world beyond my problems. We met with some of Christine’s friends who were well…

Then I met up with Alan. We.. Sigh I don’t know. We didn’t seemed to say more than 10 sentences. I guess he’s still troubled and all. It’s alright, I’ll learn to deal with it. Hopefully love means something to him in the end. Shrugs..

I guess these things mean differently to guys. Like you know how guys don’t mind sleeping around while wanting their gfs to be a virgin and stuffs while girls usually don’t. It’s just double standards and all.

I don’t know. The thought of making out or having ONS with a stranger is just weird. It’s not that it’s turn off or what if the stranger is cute but it’s just weird. Or maybe it’s just me. I just like the cuddly teddy bear that he is.. I know he is not a looker or anything but love is blind eh?

In the greater scheme of things, all these emotions don’t matter. Anger, Betrayal, Sadness..

But I can’t help it. I’ve thought of it as my other half, the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with, the father of my children, etc… It’s hard to change that thought.

Some people play games when they are frustrated. Others listen to music, or watch movies.

Once, he found another to sooth away his troubles, would it happen again? I don’t know. Everyday, I’m wondering whether he is alone as he said he is, or has he lied to me again?

I don’t know what to believe for things can happen again.  Does he have the conviction to remain faithful? I would like to believe so but I don’t think so. Love and faithfulness to him is nothing as it is to me.

Have faith. How do you have faith when things happen repeatedly? How do you have faith when you have placed everything you have in the hands of another and he abused that power over and over?

I don’t know what to think, I’m afraid to think.

I don’t want to imagine him at those ktvs again. Or hooking up with that girl again. It cuts me over and over again. He doesn’t give me any assurances because in his life, it’s only about him. Everything that he does to me, he expects me to accept it as it is, because that’s the way it is. If he is unfaithful, that’s the way it is. If he breaks up, that’s the way it is. Nothing right, nothing wrong. Just like that.

How do you deal with someone who’s like that? Where there’s no black or white. Where there’s no values of faithfulness, of love, of the rightness of things.

How do I Deal with it? How do you deal with someone who doesn’t care anymore.

The blood dripped and dripped but I didn’t give a damn.

I just feel so pissed with myself for being so stupid, for letting a single person fucked up my life like that. How could one single person make you feel so inferior and insecure? God knows, but I am. He made it so.

I need to turn my life around and I know it. I need to get my ass off the seat and start making it better. I hate that I’ve become so scared of facing people because of him.

Fuck.

He can spend all the time apart from me and figure out his own life as long as he tells me that our future is secured, that there will be no other person. And when he finally figured it all out, we can get married and etc. As long as I have that assurance, I don’t give a damn if I don’t see him until he is over it. But he doesn’t.

So what if he does? Do the promises mean as much as they are supposed to?

I’ve no fucking idea.

I totally screwed up today and I’m sorry to the people involved. I will whip myself into a better state next time.

流金歲月，難忘憶秋年；過往雲煙，獨留風之痕.

One shouldn’t be too emotional. Just go with the flow and enjoy what you can. Hankering over something will only lead to attachment. Treat everything as it is and don’t go too deeply. Don’t feel too much for everything in life is fleeting. In the end, we are all reduced to ashes, nothing.

What will happen is going to happen, just accept it as it is. Strength is the only way to deal with this world for whatever is going to happen.

Wishes on a star

I’m tired. Really physically and emotionally drained. I wish I have reached the point where I don’t feel anything anymore. It just seems like God is punishing me. Everytime I’m happy, he will take my happiness away.

I can’t do anything for they are out of my control. I wish I could really. I would give the world to him if I could, to spare him all the pain and hurt he has gotten. But I don’t have that power. So I have to endure, I don’t mind really. He is worth it. I really believe he is.

But I’ll just let life tell me that. I don’t know where it all went wrong, but somehow it did. I can only wish my wishes will come through for I know not what to do.

I wish I can lay asleep forever and never awake. So I don’t have to face the pain the world brings. But I can’t, because I have to protect him. Who else would?

For him I live, for him I die. The irony of it all.

我好累。

那个感觉完全和那时候一样。我一直哭，一直哭。那时候的彷徨，无助，我仍然记得。我不想再经历那种事情，承受那种痛苦。我的心真的很痛，痛得我无法自拔。他好像随时都会去找另一个女生。他喜欢逃避痛苦，喜欢接触新的东西，新的人，来埋没痛苦。

为什么人总是那么自私？总是为了自己着想。如果要我再承担那种痛苦，我宁愿别活下去。为什么人总是不能坚持到底，你爱的人这么爱你，为什么还舍得放弃、我真的没那份勇气，没那个力气去承担。

我实在太累了。

得到了，又选择离开。

有人能因爱而活，有人有了爱却选择离开。

重在一起已有三个月了。现在有说可能得离开。

一个女人不能每日提心吊胆，不知将来如何。

我说我不在乎他是否有钱，是否能住大洋房，驾跑车 。

我愿意一直支持他。

可人总是矛盾的，表面上说是为了他人，实际上只是不要自己负担，不要接受另一个人的生活。人是自私的。

但没有一个人有权利把别人的爱情抛开。

爱情是共同进退，不是当你认为不行的时候就放弃。

一个人能用一生等待财富，当他得到时，他会把钱丢去吗？

哪为什么的到了爱情时，有舍得放开呢？

难道金钱值得等待 ，爱情就不吗？

I blog a pretty long post yesterday but ran into some errors and got deleted. Bleah

I just got a new phone today! K850i. The camera’s fabulous and I’m growing to like it even if it isn’t my first choice. So much going on my mind right now but not sure what to type. So yeah.. My phone’s half touch-screen! But takes some getting used to..