So.. We met up for studying today. But before that we had lunch.. Was walking around the entire place but either it’s too full or too ex so settled on Cafe Cartel again..

What I had .. Some chicken stew.. Was alright only.. only the potato is really good.. haha

cy had the ribs again but today was much much better cause it’s a monday so less people.

tried to study the whole afternoon but my brain just wasn’t there. spent the whole afternoon doing one bloody essay. sighhhhhh.. we spent it at raffles city starbucks so it’s pretty fun.. finally i finished the essay.. vanq dropped by.. and we went to a jap place nearby for dinner. OH we saw hj and jeremy at starbucks and cy was damn excited.. hahaha.. i thought it looked like hj but wasn’t too sure.. he looks the same as last time i think.. but maybe taller? hahaha.. it’s pretty weird cause we didn’t talk to each other as usual even though we are friends.. oh well..

so i had cha soba which was so so.. i only ate half of it.. the tempura was good though..

what cy had.. some noodle with collagen soup base.. she say not nice..

then we went vivo to shop but we reached thr just when the shops are closing.. sighhhhhhhh.. so we went to mac to ’study’.. but then the mac is only 24 hrs during the weekends and close at 1am.. sighhh..

oh the taxi driver who drove me home is damn damn nice.. we talked along the way and he’s just very friendly and easy-going.. and the taxi fare’s pretty cheap.. wished each other good night.. and here i am!

finally…. the customary picture of my dog sleeping.. that poor baby is so tired today. normally when i kiss him he will wake up.. but today he just continued sleeping.. so cute… he loves the sofa now.. every night come out to the living room to sleep cause it’s cooler

i do really miss you a lot.. and i wish things were better for the two of us. but i understand you need your space and i’m willing to wait however long for it..

因为会有那么一天, 我们牵著手在草原, 听鸟儿歌唱的声音, 听我说声我爱你.

baby

so cute right

=)

I’m happy at least for today. He has made it so =)

But I’ve been putting off so many stuffs that I need to complete. Time to move my ass!

Humans

Humans are so predictable as am I.

When you have no control over a particular situation, you tend to fit your own conclusions. And what’s worse, your subsequent actions will be based on your own conclusions rather than what has actually happened. Which just makes everything wrong.

Yes, of course, there are sixth sense, intuition and the likes. But how often are they right, how often are they wrong. I really don’t know.

We just want somebody we can spend the rest of our life with. That everytime we find something enjoyable, something pleasant, we can turn around and share it with that person. And that makes the thing more enjoyable, because you have company to share it with.

rant

I’ve always felt that feelings are a person’s choice and hence he/she is responsible for them. For instance, let’s say you hate this person. Barring the fact that this person is hideously ugly or very annoying, let’s say the person is an average person, there is absolutely no reason why you should hate him over another average person and if you do, that’s your choice.

So in that sense, if in this period of time, Alan found another person more soothing, more comforting, that is something he choose to perceive as. Because I didn’t particularly do anything to make it annoying or unbearable for him and in fact, I am super nice to him if I may say. I give in to everything he asked of me, well most things and if he found another person more comforting, then that’s his choice. Not because it is true in the absolute way.

I just find it disheartening that one doesn’t have that much self-discipline. I mean look at me. I worshiped boy-watching but after I’ve been with Alan, I restricted myself from whatever. But he doesn’t. He think it’s normal to look at other girls, it’s normal to flirt with them, it’s normal to hang out with them even if you are attached. As in, like you have a gf but you still go out with lots of other girls and like your gf doesn’t exist. He thinks that it’s ok, it’s just a fact of life. Hello?? Just because other guys do it doesn’t make it ok. Why must you follow the rest of the population?

I mean he is all for having ideas and theories different from the normal stereotype of the population so why must he say that this is normal? I mean why be restricted by certain social norms and not by others? Please.. This so do not make sense.

A lot of people doing something does not justify that it is correct or wrong. Use your brains to think for yourself la.. Gosh I just don’t understand!! And I really want to understand. Why on earth, does a guy I love so much, think that it’s normal to do all these? Normal is different from say a compromise, or the gf turn a blind eye or what. Normal means he think it’s justified, it’s right. Sigh. I’m rambling. I just don’t get it.

If I can restrict myself, boys can’t? Lower self-discipline is it?

I’m not saying that he is doing these now, I’ve no fucking idea whether he is and I don’t really wanna know. I’m just ranting.

I just hate that one minute you can be so lovey-dovey and tell me how much I mean to you, how we are gonna get married, move out, etc..

The next minute, just cast me aside and treat me like a complete stranger.

Seriously, where is the fucking love?

Today was great really. In this period of sadness and all, I can’t asked for a better day like this.

Well I decided to meet up with Laureen and Christine and I’m so glad I did. It was nice to catch up with the two of them and Christine is just soooo nice.. Not saying Laureen is not haha.. But I’ve never really talked to Christine so yeah. We had dinner at Thai Express at Holland V but the service was just damn bad.

THen we went Wala Wala and the music was awesome although I got a lil dizzy from the vodka as usual.. I was totally relaxed and enjoying the music and company.. It was really good to know that there’s a world beyond my problems. We met with some of Christine’s friends who were well…

Then I met up with Alan. We.. Sigh I don’t know. We didn’t seemed to say more than 10 sentences. I guess he’s still troubled and all. It’s alright, I’ll learn to deal with it. Hopefully love means something to him in the end. Shrugs..

I guess these things mean differently to guys. Like you know how guys don’t mind sleeping around while wanting their gfs to be a virgin and stuffs while girls usually don’t. It’s just double standards and all.

I don’t know. The thought of making out or having ONS with a stranger is just weird. It’s not that it’s turn off or what if the stranger is cute but it’s just weird. Or maybe it’s just me. I just like the cuddly teddy bear that he is.. I know he is not a looker or anything but love is blind eh?

In the greater scheme of things, all these emotions don’t matter. Anger, Betrayal, Sadness..

But I can’t help it. I’ve thought of it as my other half, the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with, the father of my children, etc… It’s hard to change that thought.

Some people play games when they are frustrated. Others listen to music, or watch movies.

Once, he found another to sooth away his troubles, would it happen again? I don’t know. Everyday, I’m wondering whether he is alone as he said he is, or has he lied to me again?

I don’t know what to believe for things can happen again.  Does he have the conviction to remain faithful? I would like to believe so but I don’t think so. Love and faithfulness to him is nothing as it is to me.

Have faith. How do you have faith when things happen repeatedly? How do you have faith when you have placed everything you have in the hands of another and he abused that power over and over?

I don’t know what to think, I’m afraid to think.

I don’t want to imagine him at those ktvs again. Or hooking up with that girl again. It cuts me over and over again. He doesn’t give me any assurances because in his life, it’s only about him. Everything that he does to me, he expects me to accept it as it is, because that’s the way it is. If he is unfaithful, that’s the way it is. If he breaks up, that’s the way it is. Nothing right, nothing wrong. Just like that.

How do you deal with someone who’s like that? Where there’s no black or white. Where there’s no values of faithfulness, of love, of the rightness of things.

How do I Deal with it? How do you deal with someone who doesn’t care anymore.

The blood dripped and dripped but I didn’t give a damn.

I just feel so pissed with myself for being so stupid, for letting a single person fucked up my life like that. How could one single person make you feel so inferior and insecure? God knows, but I am. He made it so.

I need to turn my life around and I know it. I need to get my ass off the seat and start making it better. I hate that I’ve become so scared of facing people because of him.

Fuck.

He can spend all the time apart from me and figure out his own life as long as he tells me that our future is secured, that there will be no other person. And when he finally figured it all out, we can get married and etc. As long as I have that assurance, I don’t give a damn if I don’t see him until he is over it. But he doesn’t.

So what if he does? Do the promises mean as much as they are supposed to?

I’ve no fucking idea.

I totally screwed up today and I’m sorry to the people involved. I will whip myself into a better state next time.

流金歲月，難忘憶秋年；過往雲煙，獨留風之痕.

One shouldn’t be too emotional. Just go with the flow and enjoy what you can. Hankering over something will only lead to attachment. Treat everything as it is and don’t go too deeply. Don’t feel too much for everything in life is fleeting. In the end, we are all reduced to ashes, nothing.

What will happen is going to happen, just accept it as it is. Strength is the only way to deal with this world for whatever is going to happen.

Wishes on a star

I’m tired. Really physically and emotionally drained. I wish I have reached the point where I don’t feel anything anymore. It just seems like God is punishing me. Everytime I’m happy, he will take my happiness away.

I can’t do anything for they are out of my control. I wish I could really. I would give the world to him if I could, to spare him all the pain and hurt he has gotten. But I don’t have that power. So I have to endure, I don’t mind really. He is worth it. I really believe he is.

But I’ll just let life tell me that. I don’t know where it all went wrong, but somehow it did. I can only wish my wishes will come through for I know not what to do.

I wish I can lay asleep forever and never awake. So I don’t have to face the pain the world brings. But I can’t, because I have to protect him. Who else would?

For him I live, for him I die. The irony of it all.