I’m watching ISWAK2 and it reminded of Alan. Sheesh. Although that scene is bloody funny. Cause the show is supposed to be very sweet and innocent and suddenly you see the two chars making out, it’s just damn funny.

Totally doesn’t suit them.

Sigh. I need love. But then again, sigh…

Crap I don’t wanna be emo. It’s a waste of time. I think I’m weird cause I would rather not go out with certain guys even if they are much better. I just don’t feel like it.. Soooo weird.

But I guess I shouldn’t waste time on things that I can’t control, of people that I cannot bring to love me. No?

He won me over by persistence, how do I win him over?

bye to love and every other unnecessary stuffs

It could be that I was thinking about stuffs earlier, or it could be a premonition of what is to come. Whatever the case, it is here.

I’m not saying I’m letting go of whatever Alan and I share. But it’s time to push it aside. Because if I don’t, it will drain me alive. I feel so old now even though I’m only 21.

Alan is a good guy, we were just together at the wrong time.

Whatever the case maybe, it has certainly helped me to grow up. And as much as I wished to blame Alan, I can’t find it in my heart to, so I shan’t go into the details.

I feel sorry for him, that he can’t enjoy that kind of lifestyle that is my definition of perfection. But of course, to each his own.

It’s time to live my own life now because I’m tired. The burden of our relationship has weighed me down too much.

I was asking my friend, how do I justify a relationship?

By the amount of money I’ve invested?

The amount of tears I’ve cried?

The amount of heartache I had?

The amount of time devoted?

I don’t know.

I won’t love again. I’ve tasted it and I don’t think it’s worth the effort.

Every guy will let me down somehow and I won’t put myself in that kind of situation anymore. It will only destroy me slowly.

It is easy for me to like a guy, love even. But I don’t have an inclination for love anymore. I just want company and occasionally some affections maybe. I don’t yearn for love like I used to anymore.

Can I say they are all lies? It isn’t as wonderful or as perfect as it has been made out to be.

And I’m so fucking frustrated because I’ve no idea why I don’t feel that sad yet. hmmm

Sitting in the bathroom, showering, wounds hurting like hell, sobbing your heart out.

yeah, welcome to the real world.

pain

So funny lah.. just now this huge ass bee which is as big as bird flew into my house.. everybody ran away and took out poles, umbrellas, vacuum cleaner to try to get rid of it lol.. damn funny

just now when i got into the car, i bang my wound against the car door.. sighhhhh so pain!!!

adrian is so cute.. (*waves, in case he’s reading this.. “is your ego boosted again?”)

no la.. i’m just very entertained yet annoyed by him..

well today’s interview went fabulously well.. the big boss, this Caucasian like me a lot and they were all very nice.. but my theory test a bit wth.. haha.. i forgot everything i’ve learnt..

i don’t get why.. okay actually i do.. but i’m just annoyed because i can give hundreds and thousands of dollars without flinching the moment he open his mouth.. i can just give without a thought even though i myself need the money.. but 1 $0.05 sms also difficult to send?

really you know. it’s just damn pissing because everything else are just excuses.. no matter how suicidal or whatever you are, reply one sms will die?

you know those ppl i just get to know.. the moment they know i’m injured or lonely.. they don’t mind sending tons of sms to ask after me..

my dear whom i’ve devoted everything and given everything to..

i don’t know what to say..

i’m feeling less dependent on him though.. i just need affections and hugs from a guy i like that’s all.. (hint hint adrian =x) no lah.. my stupid didi can’t be bothered with me

bloody mess

Gosh. I loss a lot of blood today. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Well it’s quite wth. Cause I was going pretty fast on blades and I stupidly turned and talked to cy =.=

So I Spun and my knees and elbows scrapped across the rough ground

and then just then, it started to pour.. like wth right..

well the good thing is i exercised a lot. haha.

i miss booboo..

I’m worried about tomorrow!

sigh

Alright I’m slightly more awake now and have no idea what I blogged just now ha ha. I keep having mild anxiety attacks in the morning sometimes.

Actually I shouldn’t worry so much cause there’s nothing left to do.

When I’m with my friends, I don’t really think about the problems with Alan. It’s only when I’m alone at night and need a hug then I’ll start thinking a little bit.

Lots of reasons, all understood by me. So what the hell.

That bloody didi of mine is damn irritating. I was feeling bored so I said something like “you are the only guy I allowed myself to like a bit in two years you know.” then he asked if he was supposed to be touched. grr. slap him.

then my stupid roomie keep telling me he’s very cute. gosh. why do i have friends who keep reminding me. =.=”

but he’s an arrogant ass so it’s just for eye candy purposes.

It’s such a headache thinking whether I should start work soon. On one hand I wanna play and have fun first. But then I keep thinking about Alan sometimes and I’m broke. So don’t know what I should do…

Tomorrow meeting the MD and manager! cham liao..

Day

Can I just say how damn hot it is these days? Gosh I hate the heat. Before I even get out of the house I’m sweating like a pig. It’s just so disgusting. Sigh. I like SG if not for the weather =(

Anyhow met up with the SC laojiaos yesterday for a nice dinner and chill session. So we went to Kublai Khan at ParkMall. It was a tad expensive but the food was pretty alright although variety is okay only.

The mixture of cold salads above is surprisingly really good. The salmon is yum yum. Not too salty or tasteless and the veg is good.

I like the bamboo clams a lot as well as the mussels heh. The sweet & spicy sauce for the mussels is just nice.

The soup. It didn’t look exactly very appetizing at first but it’s surprisingly quite nice. The  taste of the bread is just damn fragrant.

Yeah we were fighting over crayfish with these groups of China tourists who were basically wiping out everything.

The beef was a last min add on and it’s damnnnnnnnnnnnnn nice.

This was the only slightly viewable picture of me cause I was super bloody hot and yes my hair was in a bloody mess. Bleah

We went to chill at TCC…

Lamborghini coffee or something like that which is basically normal black coffee. =.=

I slept at 4am yesterday and I’m up like at 730am.

Devil is a mean person =( Everytime after talking to him, I would feel that the world is very complicated lol. He’s an ass lah. Forever making me feel sad about my relationship and life. I mean I have some sort of confidence about my relationship with Alan but that ass kept going about how he predicted this and that. Idiot! He’s damn funny though. He kept saying that his main topic was going to be sex but he kept deviating from it. hahaha then he kept saying he’s really not good at this cause he’s too kaypoh.. yes he is..

Sigh shit, now I’m thinking a whole lot about my life again when I’m just feeling a wee bit relaxed. Well I don’t know. I wish life was a little less complicated and intentions and feelings are more obvious. Devil’s well.. how do I say, not a kind of bf I would want so obviously he’s bound to say that Alan’s intentions aren’t as.. i don’t know what as I would like to believe. But I really do want to be believe in Alan but you know some stuffs are out of your control. Like sometimes, acting in a certain ways subconsciously caused somebody to hate or turn away from somebody. It’s totally sub- or unconscious so how the heck do you prevent that.

I really do hope Alan and I last forever. But I don’t wanna think that much. It’s so tiring sometimes you just wanna forget you have problems.

I’ve no idea really. Shall ban devil from my msn. Kao, everytime I talk to him I will feel damn depressed. And somemore we talked till 4am and he had to wake up at 6am for work haha.

Speaking of which, I’m thinking of starting work early because… well i’ve nothing much to do besides going ECP everyday to blade. And giving me stuffs to do will prob take my mind off Alan.

Sigh my whole life is perfect except for the Alan part. I really do wish things get better than it is now.

Yawn. Damn sleepy.. Haven reached the last episode of my show yet but I guess I have to stop now.

He didn’t message me even though he said he would but I guess he’s too tired.

Oh well, I’ve made myself tired enough such that my emotions are numbed for today.

But it’s alright, I know he loves me.

Jumper

Just finished watching Jumper. Ooookay I know I’m damn slow. haha. Cause the reviews weren’t very good so I didn’t catch it. Besides, I hardly watch movies. Most of the time, me and Alan just buy the dvds or something.

So anyway, I think Jumper is pretty nice to watch except like most movies, the ending sucks. I’ve no idea why, but I think that most movie endings suck for some reason. Hmmmm.

Anyhow, I think the Sci-Fi basis of the film is cool and the effects are not bad. But Rachel Bilson kinda seems weird inside. Feel like slapping her lol..

Okay I should be sleeping pretty soon. I have tuition at 2pm tomorrow and dinner at 530pm with the gang.

I think I’m damn ngiao. Not cute guys like me I don’t like, cute guys like me I also don’t like. lol. This is weird.. But cannot be I’m les. ha ha.

Argh I hate that I’m so ngiao. And I’m pretty bochup about people which according to cy, isn’t good. She says I’m either fricking dao or fricking shy and so people are scared of me. And she says that guys like girls to play hard to get while I can’t be bothered lol and that is bad. Ah wth. I hate games, they are such a waste of time. It’s either you want or don’t want. Play so much, will get old easily.

I shall go roller-blading everyday from Monday. I wanna be trim and fit again ha ha. I hate that I’m a pig now and sooooo many clothes I can’t wear. grr. Eat too much..

I wanna do sth new with my hair but I don’t wanna touch it either. Because the curls are quite alright now. Just that I’m getting bored.

I’m not worried about Tuesday’s meeting but yet I am? I’m a walking contradiction.

I think I just lack love heh. I just like the whole there’s-someone-to-depend-on thing.

Yawn.

I’m so fricking tired now. Was supposed to club but I didn’t feel like it and I didn’t have the energy. Yawn. Well went shopping, sort of. Dropped by this japanese marche place called Sokudo or something like that. The food is pretty good, a tad too expensive though. Then dinner was at cafe cartel. Bad ribs. I wished I had ordered the pasta instead. Then went Kallang for the racing thing. And some people proceed to annoy the hell out of me. Thank God I was in a pretty good mood yeah. Then went home and got the car cause I was so fricking hot and sweaty and I wanted to drive. I need love and hugs right now

I miss Alan. Sigh. Now watching jumper halfway. hahah. gosh i need a play toy..

smiles

I am sooooooooo happy now..

Cause he said he will try. All I ever wanted was for him to try that’s all =)

And the other stupid guy keep making me smile even though he’s irritating the hell out of me. And then so many sweet people talking to me tonight to keep me company =)

desmond even give me movie to watch so i won’t be so bored. hahah.. thanks guys