我好累。

那个感觉完全和那时候一样。我一直哭，一直哭。那时候的彷徨，无助，我仍然记得。我不想再经历那种事情，承受那种痛苦。我的心真的很痛，痛得我无法自拔。他好像随时都会去找另一个女生。他喜欢逃避痛苦，喜欢接触新的东西，新的人，来埋没痛苦。

为什么人总是那么自私？总是为了自己着想。如果要我再承担那种痛苦，我宁愿别活下去。为什么人总是不能坚持到底，你爱的人这么爱你，为什么还舍得放弃、我真的没那份勇气，没那个力气去承担。

我实在太累了。

伤感的阴影

Yesterday, I had AB311 meeting.

This was the group that I didn’t really fit it at first but got really good later on. They are pretty nice people. We met at Starbucks at Raffles Place and discussed for a couple of hours for our final presentation.

Today, well was just spent doing nothing much. Went with Alan and his sister to make new spectacles for him at the specs shop the bf worked at.

Then we ate MOS for dinner as shown by the mess below. haha

Sigh. I’m really worried. My emotions are totally working overtime now. I don’t know what I should do or if I should do anything or if I could do anything in the first place.

事实很简单。他很爱我，我也很爱他。但是，我觉得他对我的爱不再像以前那么单纯了。好像爱得不那么轰轰烈烈了。又或者，我不在像以前那么无价，那么宝贵了。现在的他，好像随时可以把我抛开。

他认为他的事业不理想，未来也不知去向。他不想害我跟他一起受拖累。我最讨厌这种想法。爱情是自私的。你爱她，你就得做她所要的，而不是你认为她需要的。不需要扮伟大，不需要“牺牲”，两个人相爱，管其他人干吗？我既然能为他做任何事，他就应该珍惜彼此而不是逞强。

今时今日，要找一个对你真心的人都难，有了还想放弃。真不知怎么办？

他也没说要放弃，但或许有念头。只要能在一起，又何必在乎这么多？

得到了，又选择离开。

有人能因爱而活，有人有了爱却选择离开。

重在一起已有三个月了。现在有说可能得离开。

一个女人不能每日提心吊胆，不知将来如何。

我说我不在乎他是否有钱，是否能住大洋房，驾跑车 。

我愿意一直支持他。

可人总是矛盾的，表面上说是为了他人，实际上只是不要自己负担，不要接受另一个人的生活。人是自私的。

但没有一个人有权利把别人的爱情抛开。

爱情是共同进退，不是当你认为不行的时候就放弃。

一个人能用一生等待财富，当他得到时，他会把钱丢去吗？

哪为什么的到了爱情时，有舍得放开呢？

难道金钱值得等待 ，爱情就不吗？

I blog a pretty long post yesterday but ran into some errors and got deleted. Bleah

I just got a new phone today! K850i. The camera’s fabulous and I’m growing to like it even if it isn’t my first choice. So much going on my mind right now but not sure what to type. So yeah.. My phone’s half touch-screen! But takes some getting used to..

sigh

Ok this is sooooo bad. Just now when I met Alan, I burst out crying. HAHA. I’m nuts. I’ve no idea why, I was just damn emo and I was feeling damn bloody sad for no reason. Then he kept asking me to stop crying lol.. But after that was alright. We went late dinner nearby then he got to rush back to camp. Well he’ll be back on thursday at least.

Sheesh I wanna curse him. Before I met that guy, I’ve cried like 5 times in my life. Serious. I don’t cry as a kid nor a teenager bla bla.. Cause nothing hurts. But now I keep crying everytime I see him. Sigh. Wuss.

Actually I’m pretty hyper now after doing my project but gotta stop because my groupmates are asleep.

I’ve got 2 presentations tomorrow! wish me luck..

I am sooooo annoyed with my mum. She’s the kind of person who’s like when you come home from work/school, dead tired from all the work, she’ll continue to nag and nag and nag about senseless stuffs until you feel like slapping her. Sigh. give me a break really. She’s so fucking annoying sometimes. I so do want to be nice to my parents but sometimes they are just trying my patience which is very short these days because I’m so breathless from all the work. So everyday I tell myself to be kinder to them but it’s hard man.. Like yesterday, I returned my dad the wrong ez-link card and he started saying how it is giro-linked and if it’s lost, i must tell him so he can cancel it straight away. it’s damn fucking pissing because my mum started chipping in and the two of them repeated that point like a gazillion times before i got so fed up and walked to my wallet and gave them the damn bloody card. i already told them it’s in my wallet and i’ll give them in a while.. sheesh.. talk about trying my patience..

and just now was soooo.. i was trying to be nice already! my nose got irritated and i started sneezing very badly.. so i already immediately went to the toilet to wash the dust off.. and my mum came out to the living room and started going on about how can i sneeze softer she can’t sleep.. wtf lah.. everytime i’m sleeping they were so noisy did i say anything? sheesh.. she’s really.. sigh..

you know my pyjamas bottoms. sometimes when i take it off, one of the ‘leg’ will be inside out. but sometimes i’m in a rush so i don’t make it proper.. she will go on and on and on about it.. bloody hell.. helping me take it out properly will die is it.. gosh.. i’m not saying i don’t need to help her.. i’m just saying give me a break on the small stuffs.. i’m studying like mad and working at the same time the last thing i want is some bloody person to keep going on and on and on about the same stuffs.. sheesh..

ok i’ve finished ranting.. aiya just damn annoyed lah.. and i can’t do anything cause she’s my mum.. so move out lo.. move out easier for her anyway.. i do my own washing, cooking, everything.. and me and alan are so slack we don’t nag at each other.. most of the time at least.. cause if i don’t nag at him sometimes, we will just sleep forever instead of doing more productive stuffs. haha..

i know i know.. i keep telling myself if i can be so nice to alan, i should be nicer to my parents.. i’m trying!

swoons

How much a person means to you can really be measured by your reactions to him/her. I’m glad I don’t feel much about whatever he told me these days.. That means I’m recovering nicely =) It’s weird that I don’t need to talk as much as when Alan is with me, which can only mean that when Alan is around, I just have something to prove to myself that’s all.. But what the hell…

Okay I’m talking to myself. Sigh. Everybody’s been telling me I’ve put on weight. YES I KNOW. haha of course i have. ever since i’ve been with Alan I’ve put on like 10 kg.. sheesh.. don’t talk about it.. I’m going to gym now though and hopefully something good will come out from it.

Yeah I’m still driving myself crazy with my thoughts but it gets a little better somehow. hmm. It’s so weird cause I was looking through my phone photos of Alan and I was thinking what good does he have? As in the material kind of stuffs he doesn’t. But yet somehow I am so crazily in love. sigh. stupid girl.. So I was looking, not literally, at the guys who liked me a little, or would have done something if I had said something and like materially, they are better than Alan now? But I don’t see them at all. I think Alan must have slipped something in my drink!

The good thing is I’m gonna see him a little while tomorrow cause he gets to come out for a little bit. I was supposed to study for my quiz and I had studied for the past few nights but I ended up watching this show on tudou today. haha. it’s damn nice lah.. the guy is soooooo.. sigh.. You know how those gu zhuang xi always have this older guy who is like damn power and stuffs. Swoon-worthy kind.. yeah. I’m mesmerized. Cause he supposed to be this cold-blooded killer and stuffs and all the girls like him. But he only likes the main actress and he was killed himself (gradual poison) to be with her rather than be paralysed for the rest of his life(but alive) but being looked after by another girl. something like that. sighhhhhhhhhhhh….. hahaha i’m mad..

Bleah

I guess I really allow my insecurities to determine my state of mind. These few days I’m literally going mad. I’m such a worrier. I was just thinking about everything and it drove me nearly crazy. I couldn’t sleep at all and was damn emotionally fraught.. Sigh. Oh well it’s better now.

My mood is always like a sine curve. Ups and downs. So what am I worried about?

Basically it mostly intersects with Alan.

My career choices and decisions in life are made with him in mind. He plays a big part because he is going to be in my future and I want my life to be integrated with him. But yet I’m not sure if he is giving me the same consideration. And there’s no security because I know that he loves me a whole lot but I’m not exactly sure how things will work out in the future. And I don’t like that I arrange my future to suit the scenario of him being in my life if something else happens (choy).

Get what I mean?

And I worry about him. Sigh. He’s pretty perfect if not for his past mistakes. And he’s extremely good to me now. But you know you can’t help worrying if things will happen, mistakes will occur.

And then I worry about my friends. I just hate to be nice sometimes because people don’t appreciate it. Like I drive each and everybody to their doorsteps most of the time and I don’t mean kena-ing the ERP to drive my friends all the way to orchard or what even though I’m not going to orchard myself. Stuffs like these I don’t mind being generous about but people don’t appreciate them and sometimes you just wish that some bloody person in the world will remember you, you know?

I just hate being taken for granted. But I had a good day today. It was nice meeting up with the rest and it really cheered me up for quite a bit cause I miss Alan so much and my mind is full of all these nonsense.

Sigh. Now I worry about my career and yada yada. Well at least my studies is going not too bad for my final semester although I wish I had studied harder during my early years.

Boo. I am just so unsecured about everything – myself and everything I have. As if one day I wake up and poof, they are gone.

I always think I’m some lousy crap and I’m just not good enough for anything. And I’m just wasting time and space of this earth. SIghhhhhh

Does it seem unfair, that some people can live their life, crude, rude and inconsiderate, yet receive the adoration of other people, while some others live their life trying to do their best for others and yet receive nothing?

Does it?

Sometimes I’m so tired. Tired of caring about everything. About how people see me, about others’ feelings, trying to lessen the impact to them, thinking about this and that for them, and in the end, they don’t give a shit either.

Why do I bother so much, really?

Sometimes I just feel like dropping everything. Do what I want without care for others. No sense of guilt or concern. Nothing. Life is really unfair..

tired

Had BH333 presentations today but our team didn’t get to present, which is good and bad I guess. One of the presenting teams, we didn’t really like their presentations because firstly the interviews they conducted just seemed very superficial and ‘for show’ only. Secondly, one of the guy kept name-dropping which is just irritating. And finally they mentioned at least 7-8 times about how one of their members dropped out. Like hello, get over it already? Stop mentioning it for sympathy and make it seemed as if you guys went through a huge thing. Sheesh. All of us were talking about it afterward and felt very annoyed by it.

But overall, it was an alright class. My group was kinda divided cause the two guys wanted to present today while the girl didn’t while I’m like anything. So in the end we didn’t and the two guys were not very happy I guess.

Sigh, I feel so lethargic now and I keep getting fever, or rather my fever has been on for like 2 weeks already, it’s not a very serious fever, just whole body heated up and forehead’s very hot. But I feel okay, just tired.

I miss Alan a lot.. Not like I’m dying or what but I just miss him. I messaged him just now but accidentally sent to my friend instead. Haha.. he threatened to show people unless I pay him. I guess cause the msg was quite personal lol..

Ahh hell.. I’m just lost about life.  I’ve 4 presentations next week. Sooooo sian

:(

It’s pretty disgusting how humans run from one person to another. I’m not just talking about relationships but friends as well. Especially people who are friends with you because you have something for them, whether it’s company, or potential SO (significant other).

I think it’s wrong, but that’s just me. I was looking, or rather observing, this friend being friendly to people who provide this friend as a potential SO. Actually another friend already told me about his behavior and how he didn’t like it. But what the hell.. I didn’t really care cause’ it doesn’t concern me but he did the same thing to me and it’s just eww. It just reeks of desperation although he definitely does not see it that way. I don’t know, maybe I’m just being grouchy or picky. But I don’t like it when guys become alligators, obvious alligators that is. There’s absolutely no finesse to it.

Why do you want to degrade yourself like that? I’m talking about extremes here, not those normal harmless occasional flirting.

Yawn. I just finished compiling my group’s slides and I wanted to slap people just now haha. Now I know exactly what is cultural barrier. Not trying to be racist, culturalist or whatever but the general consensus among people I’ve worked with is that those caucasian exchange students are hard to work with.

One because they travel around so much (on holidays to KL, Thailand, Bali, etc) and are generally much slacker and hence they end up as free-riders more often than not.

Second because their way of speaking tends to be more draggy in terms of going around in a circle, rather than get to the point, oft times we actually listened for awhile and like huh? Because the sentences were going round and round and we didn’t understand what they were trying to say.

But our bad too.. Because we tend to speak too fast and they can’t catch us so we have to repeat it for them.

A lot of work in a mugging environment is definitely not good. But once the situation has been presented to you, you got to work with what you have whether that’s your style or not, that’s what I feel anyway.

Do I sound discriminating? I hope not. Just what some of us have experienced and just venting my frustrations cause she’s really driving me crazy. Like how I’ve sent 3 emails saying the same thing and asking and asking. At 1am, she emailed back and ask me why does she have to do that when I’ve explained it in the past three emails while the rest got it. Sigh. Or how she blamed us for not organising meetings when she’s the one who doesn’t answer calls, doesn’t reply sms, skip town without telling us. Sigh. I guess they can get away with it because they are not graded in the normal sense. Boo.. Same goes for my other friends in other classes.

I miss Alan I need somebody to hug, to complain to, to eat together, to talk to, to sleep the whole afternoon with…. =((