when alan is down, he has the girl, and me..
when clifton is down, he has me..
when i’m down, who do i have?
nobody…
got to be stronger because no one else can be here for me.. in that way that i want.. i used to have everything i could have wanted.. my life was perfect.. but he single-handedly destroyed my life and my happiness..
how does it feel to be able to ruin someone’s life so easily?
The tears just fell immediately after he left the car.. Yes, I finally understood.. That one phrase tore through my heart but I understand it now.
What I want, she has already given.
I couldn’t give him what he wanted. I know that. I’m too complicated a creature. I have demands, I have wants and I demand the other party to think deeply into a relationship. I’m not simple-minded (not in that arrogant sense) and it can be very taxing to deal with me because I think too much and too deeply. I know that. And I understand what he wanted, what I can give but I didn’t want to give because it wouldn’t be me..
I can change for him but is the new me who he loves, or the old one?
He said he love me because I was different from other girls but did he leave me because of that too?
If she makes you happy, I’ll try to find it in my heart to give my blessings.. Although it hurts a lot right now.. It will always hurt.. I will make it so, to remind myself..
I want freedom so badly now. Freedom from all these pain, all these inadequacy, all these senseless stuffs.. I need to taste freedom so badly..
Although c did cheer me up a little, when he acted like a little boy.. although he became serious again.. silly guy.. sigh.. guys are just taxing..
Is it so wrong that I enjoy the feeling of uncertainty, of that starting intimacy between two people? I’m addicted to that feeling and it will cause me to go out of control. Just as Alan says.. He asked me to be careful and to be in control.
Sigh. He just told me it won’t happen again. Because he’s been hurt badly and I’m young and we are both rational people, so it won’t happen. And I do sincerely like people as they are and as friends, but sometimes I can’t helped wondering if I treat them like games. Once the kick is gone, or the reward is no longer there, it’s game over?
I won’t pull a disappearing act on them or what, but it’s just disappointing..
You’ll never know with a pisces. That’s right. A friend, a lover, a companion… You’ll never know who you are. But at least I got the answer that I want for this brief moment. He cares.
Sometimes I think I treat life too seriously. It shouldn’t be so because I would only hurt myself.
Boyfriend unfaithful to you? Nothing.
He doesn’t love you as much anymore? Nothing.
You don’t have good company? Nothing.
The guy you like has a girlfriend? Nothing.
Yeah, treat nothing seriously, so nothing can hurt you.
Take just a little bit of joy in the things that make you happy. Too much joy would mean over-expectations which would lead to bitter disappointment.
So mildness is good
I’m so feverish right now.. sigh.. sick again.. met up with the girls for dinner.. it was quite good.. one of the restaurants at this stretch of eateries in sunset way.. was quite nice to catch up with them although i lack energy..
then that c fell asleep instead of meeting me after that.. sheesh.. make him pay double.. when he heard that i was sick, he couldn’t stop laughing.. grrr.. gosh never seen him laugh so much in my life.. said i sounded like a sick little puppy in need of tlc or something like that.. yeah tlc and he fell asleep.. =.=
met up with a after that.. anyway both of us were damn tired so it was just a short while.. i know he can’t love me as much as before unless that girl disappears.. and i’ll try not to take it too hard because life is still full of better stuffs and better guys.. hahah.. i just need good company!!
ok long day tmr, i better go sleep..
I was sobbing the whole of last night which caused me to be sick today. Sigh.. I’m having pretty bad flu and sorethroat.. sigh.. we were having a very nice evening when that stupid guy has to go and mentioned about his wedding and it started my whole bout of silent tears..
i really wish i can get over him but i’m reluctant to do so.. as my sis put it to me, there’s plenty of nice guys out there.. yeah i know.. i think i know.. but i still like him the best.. sighhh..
oh yesterday i was driving manual around.. damn fun.. oh yesterday’s phone call was so weird.. we were talkin for like 3 hours doing weird stuffs.. he was giving me words and i was saying yes or no.. whether the word was good.. and compiling this list of words which he can put on his car in the future.. as decorative fonts.. i was abit =.=” but hahah..
somehow his voice just soothes me.. very nice to lie down on my bed.. feeling the breeze from the fan.. and listening to him talk.. so peaceful really.. no worries about heartbreaks and stuffs.. i think he was a bit frantic yesterday and his friends were asking about me..
sigh.. time to head back to reality..
A sin curve really defines my life. Everytime my life is happy or at least peaceful, something has to happen to destroy it.. Yesterday night I went out to meet Alan.. Because my mum was downstairs with me, I asked him to drive to main road and walk there. I asked my mum not to follow me but she insisted.. So she saw me with alan.. She claimed she dashed across the road and asked us to stop the car but I can’t hear a damn thing anyway.
Then she called and ordered me home immediately. I refused.. So after dinner, once I reached home, she said either I stop seeing Alan, or I can move out.. So I took my stuffs and left.. I hate it when people threatened me.. I will definitely carry out to show them that they can’t.. I’m back home now because the rest asked me to.. But if she backed me into a corner again and asked me to make a choice, I would still move out..
I don’t like people telling me what to do seriously.. Whether good or bad.. The consequences of my life are borne by me so why should I bear the consequences of other people’s choices?
I know exactly what I am doing and I know exactly why it is right and why is it wrong. Life is full of shades of grey.. Just because something appear wrong in certain situations doesn’t mean the entire thing is wrong.. Just because Alan did something bad, doesn’t mean every single thing associated with him is bad.. Just because I know it is wrong to continue seeing him, doesn’t mean I will stop.. If we always stop ourselves from doing the wrong things, there would be no mistakes..
Just because something is bad, doesn’t mean you must stay away from it.. Sometimes, happiness do come out of bad situations.. It may not be this situation but at least you could learn from it..
Parent will never understand.. That’s why I won’t ever be one.. I don’t want to impose my ideas and concepts on my child..
C kept telling me I should go home and be good bla bla.. The only reason why I’m listening to him is cause I like him. But I don’t like people telling me what to do.. Like Alan won’t tell me what to do because he knows I don’t like it and I won’t listen anyway.. I try not to tell him what to do because I don’t want to change him..
Sigh.. My dad is frickin weird.. Ok actually normal.. You know how people when they quarrel, they bring in things which is so unrealistic.. Like he said I was teaching tuition for Alan so I said I’m teaching because I needed more money.. THen he was like, if you need more money you can tell your mum, we never tell you you can’t have more money or what bla bla bla.. Really? Oh please.. every single day she is telling me how much money I spent and how I should save up bla bla bla when I’m spending like 20% of what people my age are spending.. and when I don’t want to use their money and does tuition instead, they complain…
seriously.. you want your child to grow up or what? gosh i can’t stand them.. i know exactly what i think, what i’m doing, etc.. just let me lead my own life..
I was watching this show and it’s quite pissing when the other guy sides with the other girl instead of the one he’s supposed to love and cherish.. So why do I let him side with her?
Why do I let him love her more, be with her.. Do I have a choice, really?
I wish I can ask him to choose me and leave her.. Can I?
Went to test out my new blades today but sigh.. Cause I forgot to wear socks and the blades tore off my skin in my right shin so I couldn’t blade.. I had to walk from car park G back to mac area barefooted and the bottom of my feet was full of cuts too.. SIgh..
I wished I had a bf who would be there in times like these.. Just to cuddle and take care.. Sigh.. made me feel damn lonely yesterday..
But it was nothing, sleeping over at his house for four hours.. just sleeping, like we used to do every night.. i miss him.. i miss everything we did.. playing games together, watching dvds, CSI, heroes and so on.. going here and there.. life was never bored with him around..
i’m damn hungry now cause my neighbour’s cooking chicken.. damn nice-smelling..
i just realised i’m in a very weird relationship(s) right now..
i’m with my ex-bf who left me for another girl and seeing him while he’s with that girl and at the same time being with this guy who is a friend and more, who has a gf whom he is in limbo with..
lol.. luan.. just finished eating this damn spicy beehoon.. time to brush teeth and sleep 
