You know, I’m so afraid to read romance novels now.. They just fill me with hopeless thoughts of love and happiness.. I really thought I’ve found the one when I met him.. Really.
You have no idea how happy I was when I realised I found someone so perfectly fitting with me. And he even loved me more too.. than I love him.. I thought it was so perfect and how lucky I was to have found him the first time round..
But things have to change. They always do.. What a pity.. Such a loss..
Oh I kinda understand how it is like when some other person is more ‘attractive’ than your partner. But yet I’m not deluded by it? Like I’m talking to this person who seems better but I know he is not as annoying or as harsh as Alan, simply because we are not a couple.. And because as a friend, or whatever, it is easier to be nice and polite, understanding and thoughtful you know? Because it’s not a frequent thing. Whereas in a relationship, you would have to constantly face that person and it is ‘tiring’ in a sense to be constantly sweet and thoughtful..
And when ya in a relationship, you tend to take the person for granted and hence, you may show your nasty/irritable side more easily as compared to this friend.. I do see and understand all these. But why doesn’t he?
Hmmm.. It’s not that he is a stupid or dumb person so I’m quite perplexed as to why he can’t see that. Every marriage or relationship has its boring and irritating times. If you can go through it and survive it together, that means your bond is really strong. If not, then too bad I guess..
I hope I won’t become a third party though.. My other friend was telling me that to him, it’s fair game as long as the person is not married. But I was quite like, resistant to that idea.. But I realised I’m doing almost the same thing.. Dang.. But I won’t.. I’m not that hmmm.. whatever that word may be.. I just like talking to him that’s all.. Now I do see where Alan is coming from in a way.. Because this guy is having probs with his gf.. And we are talking to each other.. So it’s like we are a source of comfort for each other.. But yet, I won’t go any further and neither would he.. Means what?
That we are mentally, morally stronger than Alan? Shrugs.. Beats me..
I hate my dreams. I really hate them so feverently now.
I used to love them because they were an extension of my happiness.
Now they are just the cause of misery.
They always give me the false impression that Alan was still like he was in the past.. They made me go back to the past, believing that things could still be the same.
In the dream just now, we were holding hands and walking along the streets while he was singing. And I was desperately trying to stop him from singing in public. I can remember me smiling in the dream. He was so sweet and young.
And we were so happy.
It was nothing like the present. Then I had to wake up, to discover it was all just a dream. I started crying in the car. Not bawling la, just tears.
I miss him so much. I miss the old him so much. Why dear? Why do you have to change? Why do you have to leave me?
Damn I hate crying early in the morning, spoils the mood for the rest of the day.. I really miss him a lot.. Why does he have to change so drastically to become such a monster?
I miss him =(
I don’t know why, everytime I talk to clifton I just feel like crying and I did.. Sigh.. I think there’s something depressing about him that make me depressed too hahah.. But in a good way. Haven’t cried for a while..
I need somebody to lie beside me and talk to me like he used to. Just lie down and hug each other. Talking about everything and listening to the world go past..
Love so easily lost… So damn easily. It isn’t love in the first place, was it? I always believe that love is eternal or it isn’t love at all.. But something mistaken for it..
How could a gentle and sweet person become such a monster? A monster that I love so much.. If I had to die to save him today, I still would.. And all these hurt so badly..
a girl wanted to see a guy for a little hug. so she messages him to see if he was nearby.
afterwards, when her phone rang, and his name was displayed, she was overjoyed.
he barked into the phone aggressively, ordering her not to come near his office because he was bringing his new gf to the place..
can you hear that sound? i can feel it..
AHHHHHHH i can’t get over how stupid i am…
if now he ask me do something, i will still do it can… nb
fuck myself.. ugh.. stupid girl.. don’t know eat so much what happened to the brain..
Why ah?
I mean I do know that there are plenty of nasty/weird people around. But for you to realise that someone whom you love deeply and someone who supposedly once love you so damn frickin much, to be that sort of person is just very incomprehensible.
Ya? It’s like telling me my mum is a.. murderer.. I’ll laugh in your face lah.. It’s so no link you know?
Or as people like to tell me, I’m still young and haven’t seen the ugly faces of humans. Hence, what he does is actually very normal.. Sigh.. Normal meh? Not normal to me lo..
Normal in his world maybe.. I just hate having my bubbles burst =(
Like I believed that he was so wonderfully perfect in every single way and for me to witness his cruel, merciless actions just defiled that perfect image in my heart.
It’s like he is so flawed now.. Sigh.. How to accept leh?
Seriously the days where he actually love me to bits and is so sweet to me seemed so distant.. As if they had never occured. Now I know how some people can treat people they love so preciously while being extremely nasty to people they don’t..
I didn’t know people could do that because I couldn’t. I like to be nice to everybody but it turns out that that is possible after all. Gosh, do these people thrived on nastiness or what?
Really, if I told anyone how much he used to love me and the things he was willing to do for me, I think they will laugh in my face and call me stupid. Because it’s so obvious how much he hates and detests me and how cheap and meaningless I am in his eyes now.
People really do change. I just didn’t realised how much..
karma, baby.. karma..
I’m so scared of myself now. I’m scared of people liking me, of me liking people and of people of dubious links with me.. Because I know I’m so deprived of love and affection now, if I happen to have a target, I will leech him of everything he have.. And I don’t want that to happen..
I will draw all the affection, love, time, company he can provide such that it would be too unfair and overwhelming for him.. So I’m distancing myself from ‘potential’ people haha..
I’m a walking timebomb..
But I feel alright waking up this morn cause I had company =D
it’s nice to think that you can love again.. i think i’m taking baby steps at a time.. like i used to see this guy and that, and totally can’t imagine myself with them even though they might be cuter than him or what..
but now i can? so that’s good right.. i shall get a good job and buy my baby.. and change it to red velvet seats or something.. drools..
You are the kind of guy who doesn’t realise he is wrong until it’s too late to go back… I just hope the lesson isn’t too harsh for you. I hope you can sincerely find whatever you saw in her even though my heart tells me otherwise… Once you’ve realised what you’ve lost, you would have grown up.. You are still a kid at heart after all.. Other people would never have forgiven you for the things you have done to me.. Maybe your mum would, but I’ve never blamed you. You are just being you. It was my fault, my own mistake, for not realising you were actually what you are.. I chose to ignore the warning signs. It’s only my own fault that I’m too naive to carry on believing in the good of people. I see that now. I’m sorry I was too blind..
I believe in karma.. really I do.. The things that you’ve done to me, the karma payback will hit you big-time..
Just came back from supper. hahaha it’s so damn funny.. cause earl’s mum called while we were eating supper at geylang.. and it was like
mum:”where are you”
him:”geylang lor…”
mum: “??!!! what you doing there?”
him:”chi dou fu lor..”
mum:”OMG… With who??!!”
him:” i say le what.. i’m at geylang eating tofu with a girl.”
when i heard that i burst out laughing and the mum was like who’s that??!!!
lol damn cute lah the mum.. the mum got so worried that she woke the dad up.. HAHA..
p.s. oh yah earl, maybe you are right.. i thinking of him the whole day of cos will be excited lol..
OH! i bought 2 gorgeous tops today… one tube which is dark green in color.. very very nice.. and this hot spaghetti.. which is in shades of pale green.. damn nice.. and it’s the last piece already.. =) must get my body in shape to wear them snugly hehe.. and i bought a tee.. ok la.. cause the tee is just normal.. so dont get so excited hahah..
when to the clinic to collect my pills today and the girl recognised me hahah.. keep asking me to go for pap smear.. bleah.. don’t want.. i mean i feel violated if i go for pap smear haha..
You are such a fucked up individual that I’m ashamed that I even love you. Seriously. Get it into your thick head.
You can threaten to cut all ties with me if I told anyone about all your ’secret’ activities.. Please, here I am, who will do anything for you and you can’t even ask me nicely to keep things for you but have to threaten me because you know my weakness. You know my weakness for you. You just have to manipulate that. You don’t even care how your secret activities cut me so deeply. No you ignored all my feelings and emotions and threaten me with whatever you have.
You just need an easy girl who will sleep with you anytime you have the mood. Yes, it’s better than going to a prostitute isn’t it? This one is free of charge and is willing to do anything to make you happy.
You can call me up and ordered me not to go to the office simply because you were bringing her there. Fuck you. I’m not some dog you can order around.
I’ve never taken any money from you that wasn’t mine. I am entitled to be there. I’ve never claimed any fucking salary from you.
You can fuck me one night and ignore me for a few days afterwards despite being so lovey dovey with her. Seriously you are so fucked up. You are so selfish and self-centred that you never ever care about anybody’s emotions and feelings but yourself.
Do you even bother about what I feel? I might as well be dead, the way you are treating me. Seriously, I think anyone would treat a dog better than how you treat me. Jenny is right.. You are so fake and hypocritical that you don’t even think of it yourself. Your fakeness is so unconscious that you don’t even realise it.
All my love is wasted on you. I can list a thousand things you have done wrong and it wouldn’t make a difference. Because you, only live in your own world. As long as things go well for you, you are happy aren’t you?
Please stop fucking lying to me about everything.. You are just trying to smooth things out where everything is broken into pieces already. There’s no mending.. You gave up everything between us for some fucked up relationship. Don’t worry. I’ll be laughing here when she dumps you.
Seriously, you are so blind. Yes I still love you. But I have more dignity than to grovel and beg you and be your poor little dog which you toss some scraps to when the other girl is not free to entertain you.
