You know besides talking to humans, ok my friends and family, this blog is my only solace..

I guess I can understand how, sometimes to achieve something, be it a business deal or what, one have to play-act to achieve it.

You have to do things that  are not yourself, to pretend to like somebody for instance to do it.

I guess maybe because I haven’t seen much of the world, so I remain terribly idealistic.

I believe in the rightness of things.

That we must have pride and honesty. That even if it means gaining millions of  dollars, one cannot override one’s principles or be hypocritical to achieve it.

That if we are committed to someone, loving someone, we can never ever make the same kind of commitment to another person, be it by words or actions.

That if a certain job requires us to be fake, we just turn it down and find another job even if the pay is so much more lower.

I’m an idealist like this and it has cost me dearly. It has cost me the one person I love the most, the wonderful life I used to have..

I always believe that if one is sincere and honest towards things and person, God is able to see that and bless you with what you should have..

I don’t know how true is that now. I tried so hard, to be sincere, to be honest, to be good to people around me and yet all these, time after time, have happened to me.

I always ask God if this was a test for me. If it was, I don’t know if I have the courage to go through it. Because I’m so afraid. And the one person that could give me strength, the one  person I would give the world to, is no longer my pillar of strength and love.

I wonder if I can go through this. I wonder if I would come out half-broken. No longer able to love another again..

Email

This is the email I’ve sent Alan.. I’m too tired to type out my feelings anymore. I’m tired of everything..

 

Dear ,

take this as an advance birthday email I guess. It’s probably the last email I would send you. Read this with an open mind and maybe you will see where I’m coming from.

Within this short period of time, you have changed a lot you know. It may not think so or may feel that it’s not a change, but at least I do, since I’m on the receiving end of most of it.

Choosing to be on the side of someone because of your career instead of me that you’ve spent the past 1 year 5 months with is hurtful. But I can understand I guess. You are at an age where you need the money and financial stability so love and relationships can be put aside. I can understand this, even though it may not go with what I do.

But the biggest difference was the messages. Think back, dear, one month, two months back, in july 2007 when i was still doing my professional attachment, or august 2007 or even before, would you have done this at all?
Would you have messaged another girl with lovey dovey messages, calling her bao bei, asking her to take care, sleep early….
While not asking me about my sickness, not messaging me to ask me how I am, not even replying my messages.

Would you have done this at all? You know how much I detest Daryl’s behavior, of being with Julianna and yet messaging another girl and liking them and so on.. You yourself thought that it was wrong.
But you are doing the same thing dear except much worse.

Please don’t tell me she take your mind off things or it’s just socialising and that it’s common. The fact that you consciously did that while being attached to me is so hurtful do you understand?
I know in your new circle of friends, this kind of thing is very common.. But dear, it is not common at all to other people, especially me. I don’t message other guys this kind of thing just so I can take my mind off my problems. It’s a choice.
And you chose to escape from your problems by hurting me.

The most hurtful of it is you thought nothing of your actions. You could actually tell me that’s socialising. People don’t socialise like that dear. When we were at the beginning of our relationship, you would message me tons of messages everyday. Asking me to drink water, sleep early and so on. Exactly what you are doing with her now. I know you are tired of me. I didn’t think this would happen but it just did.. The old Alan would love me so much that he wouldn’t even think of doing such things…

How could you so callously hurt me and yet not feel a thing? That’s the change I’m talking about. The Alan I know would never have done this at all. He knows how much importance I place on faithfulness. Not just physically but emotionally as well. And he would never do such things to hurt me. He would just bear with all of it on his own because he is strong enough. And because I’m with him all the way.

Even till now, I’m still in.. shock maybe. I simply cannot associate you with those messages.. Dear do you see how that is so not you? At least not the old you..

Maybe in your new career path, you have to do all these things to advance in your career. Make new business deals.. Of course I don’t and can’t control you. It’s a choice, every single thing you do..

I would be happy to be doing private tuition with you, not earning a lot.. But enough to be comfortable.. But too bad that’s just too late. Once people change, I guess they can’t change back anymore..

I hope you see how much you have changed, for the better or worse.

I hope you will be able to earn the money you expect to earn in the future.. I hope you will still remember the things you once believed in, the things you once stand for.. You were so wise, but now you are just in the midst of it all that maybe those things that were once important is no longer so.

Maybe you are right. Maybe you and I just cannot be a couple anymore. I will only stand in your way of your biz deals and all the girls you have to entertain.

I wish I could have the old Alan back. More innocent, sweeter and more real. At least he wouldn’t have broken my heart.

love,
jass

I don’t know if that qualifies as break up.. Like we will still see each other occasionally maybe. We won’t date other people, at least not in the near future..

So yeah.. I don’t know. I feel better now after talking to him. But who knows.. thanks for the comfort girls =)

I was angry. I was feeling unjust. I had all the feelings in the world. I was discarded over money. The other guy was chosen over me..

But God made people in such ways that they are so imperfect. So I see no point in placing the blame..

I just hope that in the future, near or otherwise, he will remember the reasons we love.. The plans we made together..

That maybe if I still love him then.. Just maybe..

yeah, we broke up.. sigh i need comfort

I seriously don’t know why all these stuffs are happening.

Alan didn’t come back at all even until now.. We tried calling and messaging by there’s no reply. He just msged me a short and so totally distant message.. sigh

i don’t know what’s wrong with us.. why can’t we be like before.. he wasn’t like these.. or so i thought or keep telling myself.. why can’t he just be as nice..

i just don’t get why i don’t mean as much as before.. why wasn’t he as considerate as he was.. why all these things are happening over and over.. i don’t get it..

seriously is it some bad karma that i’m supposed to get..

I used to think that Alan was like me which made it more perfect. That we wouldn’t forsake each other for our career. You know those shows where the guys leave the girls they love for their careers.. I thought that was stupid.

But it turned out that Alan was just one of those stupid fools. He msged me that “work is number one right now. nothing else is more important.”

it was him who asked me to be his gf. it was him who invited himself into my life. him who told me how teaching tuition was great because we could wake up late like 1pm and then go for tuition because it’s so flexible. him who made all these plans for me..

now he tell me that nothing else is more important that his printing work. even me.. how great it is to be compared to a lifeless thing.. how prettily you asked when you couldn’t have me.. and how callously you threw me aside now that you have.. do i even mean anything anymore..

what’s a relationship if you never see each other anymore.. if the two of you were no longer important.. it’s only a name..

he said that if i had said sorry then to the two.. all these wouldn’t happen now.. even after he agreed that it wasn’t my fault.. he would rather make his gf suffer and beg somebody else so he could have his golden job..

he wasn’t what i thought it was.. you know how you would always think that the one closest to you would never change.. that even if everything else did, it wouldn’t matter because the one closest to your heart is there.. what would you do if that one thing did change.. change so drastically.. to your utter disappointment.. what could you do..

everything he said would take place.. was my opinion sought.. i’m only there to say yes.. this unbalanced relationship is no longer there for me.. i was played for a fool by somebody far more devious.. i don’t wish to continue anymore..

time

This is all wrong!!

I’m losing my focus about everything. Now only one thing sticks out in my mind and it’s distracting the hell out of me…

I have a huge quiz on thursday (i think) but i’ve like 3 more chapters to go = 100+ pages of details details and details..

sigh i don’t think i can study finish.. not to mention the fact that i’ve tutorials to do too.. and lots of private tuition lessons.. i’m sooooo dead..

but you know what.. on top of worrying about that.. i’m getting all worked up about alan.. and that is pissing me off.. that it is so distracting.. ugh.. school sucks all the energy out of me..

friday – 3 tuition classes throughout the day

saturday – 2-3 tuition classes

sunday – 1 tuition class

monday – 2 tutorials which i haven’t do and haven’t even read the chapters, 1 tuition class

tuesday – 2 tuition class

wednesday – 2 tutorial class which i haven’t do bla bla bla

thursday – HUGE ASS quiz which i haven study finish.. the 100plus pages of reading for that quiz.. 2 tutorials which i haven’t do bla bla bla

friday – 3 tuition class..

tell me if i have time? ughh i need more hours per day!!

I see my dad doing what Alan did to me to my mum.. The only difference is they are in their forties and fifties while I’m only 21.

When one has gone through so much in life, you would feel more capable of staying at home alone. Not feeling lonely, not feeling insecure or lost.. Or for want of going out to have fun and meet new people.

I understand that he wants us to have a better life but I wonder if I could cope with it…

si-1-ck

It’s quite weird how I studied a lot of when I’m frickin sick.. Some sort of irony.. Like yesterday when my fever was at the highest, I was studying consolidated financial statements till 230am.. weird right.. but i was also waiting for alan cause he was out discussing business.. he only came back at 3 and he plonked down the bed and fell asleep..

i was quite annoyed though haha.. cause i waited so long, half expecting him to come back and ask about my fever and do this do that to ease it.. but the only thing he did was after my incessant coughing and repeated attempts to put his hand on my forehead.. “you want panadol not?” “don’t want”.. then he went to sleep.. sighhh.. simple minded creatures..

i spend today studying too.. =) but i’ve like two project meetings tomorrow.. the first at 10am at ntu.. sigh.. what to do.. i’ve read through the materials for both projects and prepare some stuffs.. but may not be adequate.. shrugs.. i’m still having fever.. it’s fluctuating weirdly though..

i’m worried about the biz!! i’m starting an advertising campaign for it.. and i don’t know if it will work!! if it doesn’t, maybe i’ll have to close the centre down.. sighhhhhhhhh.. suggestions?? prayers?? anyone??